Megan Durnford (photo courtesy of Charlotte Dunford-Dionne by way of the Westmount Independent
Well, in the category of “better late than never,” I just discovered that Megan Durnford won one helluva an award back in May*. The award is the Betty Youson Award for Best Canadian Short Documentary and is for Megan’s short documentary LAST RESPECTS (more on that in just one sec). As some of you know, Megan is also the writer and director behind I AM STILL YOUR CHILD, a documentary dealing with so-called COPMI (“Children of Parents with Mental Illness”). Yours truly was in that film, dealing with my mom’s diagnosis of schizophrenia and what growing up in that environment was like.
Regrettably, I have not seen LAST RESPECTS as of yet, but the film deals with a part of our culture that is really never talked about, at least publicly. As Megan noted, “What happens to Montrealers who die alone and whose bodies are not ‘claimed’ by loved ones?” As she began doing research, she came across a short article that discussed Father Claude Paradis and his annual ceremony for these forgotten people of Montreal. Rather than have me blather on about it, though, you can read Megan’s own thoughts about the film by reading her essay at https://povmagazine.com/reflections-on-the-making-of-last-respects/. The trailer for the film is on YouTube at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8vOsGlC5BQ
The film also led to a really unique collaboration. Megan worked with her son, Hugh Durnford-Dionne, a cinematographer and editor in his own right and the two were able to mesh their skills as they developed the film project. While I’ve only met Hugh briefly, it is really neat that the two of them were able to work together in such a fashion. Not every family could actually complete a journey like that.
As the HOT DOCS — Jury statement notes, “For its human, simple and necessary approach to the universal theme of the dignity and value of every single life that stands out by virtue of its compelling, skilfully crafted visual language as much as its personal story and message.” And Instagram has a snazzy photo of Megan accepting her award!
I would encourage you to seek out the film, as I plan on doing, and also follow along with Megan’s career. And remember: she is not only a filmmaker, but is an author.
Salut, Megan!
* Yes, May, but I only came across the news yesterday courtesy of Westmount Independent, based in the island of Montreal.
On September 27, 2018, I was part of a panel discussion during the 2018 Low-Beer Memorial Lecture that followed a screening of the documentary film "I Am Still Your Child." The film and panel discussion were presented by AMI Quebec (Action on Mental Illness) and was held at Concordia University's Oscar Peterson Concert Hall in Montreal. It was a pretty amazing evening!
The panel discussion was moderated by the always awesome Loreen Pindera from CBC Montreal and featured Megan Durnford (the film's writer and director), Rebecca Heinisch, Marie Leavens, and myself. AMI Quebec's Dr. Ella Amir added closing comments. It took a little while, but I'm very pleased to announce that the audio recording of the panel discussion from the panel discussion is now available! Yeah!
Marie Leavens: I’m Marie Levens. I’m Sarah’s mother.
Rebecca Heinisch: Hi, my name is Rebecca
Heinisch. I’ve been working with children who have parents
suffering from mental illness for the past, I would say, 14 years. I
wrote a children’s book to help children better understand what is
going on in their families when the parent is ill. And I’ve also,
with my husband, founded a non-profit organization and we run
programs for these children. And they’re for children between the
ages —
the program’s between the ages of 7 and 17.
Loreen Pindera: And Marie would like to say something about that
program.
Marie Leavens: Sarah is actually part of that program when she was
8 years old and it really, really helped her.
Rebecca Heinisch: Thank you.
Loreen Pindera: I have… I think you can hold off on the applause
till the end now. Or we’re going to get really tired.
It’s the third time I’ve watched the film now in the last few
days. And what I notice is every single time I take something
different away from it that I didn’t notice the first time. And
then I thought “oh look, there’s these things that are…”
some of that is just the fantastic editing job I think, Megan. But
one of the things, I actually pulled out a pen and jotted down this
time one of your lines, Von, which was, “I was trying to go to
school. I was trying to live my life.” And I thought, “what a
challenge that must have been.” And I thought maybe we could just
start by you talking about how you managed to juggle school, work,
friends, and caring for a parent, at the same time.
Von Allan: I’m not great
with these things, so bear with me. You know, the thing is it’s not
like there’s a blueprint for anything. You’re in it and things
are happening. And then you’re reacting to what’s happening. So I
think if I had known some of what was eventually going to happen with
my mom, that might have made my childhood and teenage years a lot
harder. But it was tough.
It’s very hard to be — for me — being in a public school. It
was never a particularly safe environment. And I never particularly
had — you know, you hear stories of the fantastic mentor-teacher
that you can really bond with. I never had anything like that and I
was bullied and picked on and what have you, as well. It helped being
tall early. That aided me a little bit. I hit the height I am now at
about 13, so that kind of helped. But for the most part, I kept my
head down. And I tried to get through the day and just get through my
school time as much as I could.
And I was lucky in some ways; while I’m not close to my father
at all, my dad also lived in Ottawa. My mom and dad got split up very
young, when I was very young. And it meant that there was somebody I
could go to during the times my mom was hospitalized or in deep
crisis. And it’s unfortunate; my relationship with him sort of fell
apart in my early 20s. I haven’t seen him since 1998. So, yeah,
it’s been a long time. But I’d be lying if I said he actually
wasn’t there for me. He was. And he did what he could.
So a lot of it is just, “it sucks.” It’s hard to go through
this. And it’s hard because you don’t know how anything is gonna
play out. You don’t know what the other end looks like. You have no
idea of what the future will bring. And you just muddle through. And
that’s basically how I view most of my childhood and teenage years,
is I just “muddled through” as best I could.
Loreen Pindera: I’m gonna turn to you now, Marie. I saw in all
three of the protagonists in this film some incredible strength of
character. And also the challenges. You, Megan, put the stat up very
early on that 30 to 50 percent, I think, of people who have parents
who have a mental illness can come into a mental illness themselves.
So that’s been… that is clearly a struggle for Sarah throughout.
And we have a little hint of that, that she’s not going to school
that you homeschooled her. Do you want to share a little bit of that
story?
Marie Leavens: Well, when Sarah was in kindergarten, she missed a
third of the year because of a different illness. She had a surgery
and stuff. And by the end of the year, you know —
well, because we read a lot at home —
while the other kids at school were able to put two, three
words together, my daughter was able to read entire books in English
without help, and in French with a little bit of help. So we’re
like, “what’s she gonna do in grade one?”
My husband already couldn’t work at that time. For various
reasons, but mainly his mental illness. So he’s like, “well, I
might as well, you know, let’s do the homeschooling routine.” And
we’re sure glad we did. She performed really well.
And then in 2015, my eldest son passed away. And that really had a
big impact on Sarah. And according to psychologists that we saw, if
she had been in school, she might have fell in a crack. So it was a
good thing she was home. This year, she’s back at school. She’s
at adult ed, because she’d like to have a diploma. But as you saw
in the movie, she mentioned she had anxiety, and so it’s been
really tough on her. Especially math, causing her a lot of anxiety,
which is why she couldn’t be here tonight. Her anxiety was too
strong. She just couldn’t get out of her room. But on the whole,
she’s still very strong. She has her days like anyone else, but
she’s still very strong. And we finally just managed to get her
some counselling.
Loreen Pindera: That, I’m sure, is a whole other chapter that
would take us in another direction. Focusing on the issue tonight of
carers, Sarah —
because she was home with her dad a lot —
took on this role of carer along with you too. Do you want to
talk about how that affected her?
Marie Leavens: Yeah. Well, especially at the beginning, because I
was the breadwinner, so I was out of the house up until the end of
2012, I was out of the house. So her dad was taking care of her, but
then he got sick around, oh my gosh, 2007, roughly. And so Sarah was
taking care of him. He couldn’t bend down to do things, because
he’s physically ill as well as mentally ill. So, yeah, she had to,
on a very early age, you know, “Sarah, can you do that?” “Sarah,”
all the time. And then he had his episodes once in a while. So she’d
just hide in her room, and I’d come home at night, and you know,
she’d be crying.
Finally, by the end of 2012, my husband couldn’t be left alone,
so I came home with her. But many times we heard her say —
not many times, but a couple of times —
we heard her say, you know, “I can’t ever leave my
parents, because they both need me.” Because, of course, with the
mental illness, I also had depression. So there’s been a time where
she’s been picking me up, as well. So it’s been tough on her. But
eventually, my husband and I convinced her that she has to have her
life. So I’m glad to say that she’s looking forward to that.
Loreen Pindera: How old is Sarah now?
Marie Leavens: She’s going to be 18 in a few weeks.
Loreen Pindera: I want to turn to you now, Megan, if I can. Just
talk about what drew you to make this film. Why did you feel it was
an important subject to tackle?
Megan Durnford: Well, the way that came about is quite a
complicated story, but I’ll just sum it up. I have a friend who
organizes TEDx youth talks in Montreal. So she’s always looking for
speakers. And at one point she invited me to go hear the story of a
young woman in St. Jerome. And this woman was going to talk about
what it was like to grow up —
everything was quite fine. And then, suddenly, her mother went
into a depression when she was 14. And so she was going to talk about
the next 10 years, what happened after that, how they both came out
the other end. So I went and I heard this young woman, and then my
friend said, “well, do you think this could be an interesting topic
for a documentary?” And I said, “well, I certainly don’t know
now. I have to do so much more research. I have to see is this a
typical story? What is the incidence? What’s the international
context? What are the resources?” But then as I started to look
into all these other issues, I realized,
“my goodness, it’s an extremely common situation that isn’t
especially well known. And there are potentially very serious
long-term repercussions for all of these children and teenagers.”
And so I realized, “yes, there is absolutely a potential to make a
documentary, and absolutely there is a need to raise public awareness
about this.”
Loreen Pindera: Do you want to tell us a little bit about the
process? How did you find your amazing protagonists?
Megan Durnford: That took a long time. That took a long
time. Well, the first step was I had to pitch a project to a
producer. So I pitched it to Katarina
at Catbird Productions. And she was able to pull together money
for research and development. So then I was travelling in different
parts of Quebec and meeting families who were living with this
situation. And you can imagine each situation was so different,
right, depending on the age of the child when this happened. I mean,
in many cases the child grew up from babyhood on with the parent
already suffering from mental illness. In many cases it sort of
happened suddenly. Huge range of different disorders. And then I was
sort of looking for commonalities
in the young people’s experience. I would say the hardest part of
all, though, was not finding people to tell me their stories.
The hardest part was to have someone agree to be filmed while
telling me their story. So, yes, so thankfully, Jesse, Sarah, and Von
agreed to participate and I think really they realized that —
although it was, of course, going to be difficult for them to
do that —
they realized that they could help other people through
telling their stories.
Loreen Pindera: That’s a good segue to pass the mic back over to
Von, perhaps, and ask you that question. Why did you agree to put
yourself out there like this?
Von Allan: Well, Megan and I first started talking, it was a while
before —
it was a slow developing process, with me sort of constantly
thinking, “this thing isn’t going to happen. It’s going to fall
through.” But it didn’t. And, well, no, obviously, I mean,
who knows how it was going to play out. But I felt I had the
advantage, I think, of having…
my mom died in 1994. So there’s been a certain amount of time
that’s gone past with that. And I felt getting involved in the film
was for some very similar reasons for why I wanted to do the graphic
novel [“the road to god knows…”].
I thought it was an interesting story. I thought in many ways that
what happened to my mom —
and I still think what happened to my mom —
isn’t fair. And I think that talking about that helps. It
doesn’t solve anything, but getting some of those experiences out
there can’t hurt. And there is —
and I’m sure everybody here knows this —
but there’s still a lot of stigma, still a lot of
stereotypes with it. So anything you can do to sort of punch through
that is great.
Really, the best thing I can use as an example for how things have
changed is I said earlier my school life wasn’t great —
and it wasn’t —
but I had the opportunity this past May to go back to my
junior high school —
Glashan
[Public School] —
and they were doing something which would have been
unthinkable when I was a kid is they actually had, for grade eights,
a mental health
week. And they had a mental health symposium and they had all
kinds of different guests and public health advocates and what have
you. It was really neat. And they invited me. And it was weird
to go back into that school that certainly was not a happy fun place
for me, but talking very openly, very similar to what’s in the film
and what have you —
and I’m pretty open when anybody talks to me anyway —
it was really neat to talk to kids that were 12, I guess,
grade eight, and then have, at the end, some of them even share some
of the stuff they’re going through. And that, again, would have
been unfathomable when I was a kid.
Loreen Pindera: Of course, one of the purposes of AMI-Quebec’s
existence is to network and make some of these connections and to
find ways to provide some of these resources. So maybe you could just
talk about what you were missing as a kid. What might have helped?
Von Allan: Money!
Loreen Pindera: Okay, start with that.
Von Allan: Well, because it’s still the thing that poverty made
harder. And the courage my mom must have had —
I’m only more aware of now as an adult —
to navigate Ontario —
we were in Ontario —
so to navigate Ontario’s social services system when she was
at her worst. And, we were on welfare. So there was a constant battle
of “there’s not enough money, how are we going to make rent?
Where’s food going to come from?” She went to food banks. She got
help and aid anywhere she can, any way she could have. And I don’t
know how she did it. And she shielded me a lot from it. So I only
became vaguely aware — more when I was getting into my teenage
years — about what she was doing. And it was just…
it was brutal. And that was under —
to be political —
that was under Bob
Rae’s NDP government in Ontario. And she died the same year, I
think, that Mike
Harris’ conservative government came into power. And at that
point in Ontario, welfare, social services, mental health, took a
massive hit. And I don’t know how my mom would have handled that.
She was already holding on barely at that time. And there would have
been a massive reduction in what meagre income she was getting into
the later part of the 90s.
So first and foremost, it’s not that money cures everything, but
it can take some of the pressure off, the pressure of how you’re
going to make rent, the pressure of how you’re going to feed this
kid. Or this kid needs clothes for school, this kid needs some
various support. And I know — particularly as an adult, because we
all go through this — but looking back on it, the anxiety that must
have been terrifying to deal with, on top of everything else. And
then the rest of it is certainly a better, a more easily navigatable
social services system. My mom bounced around. So, there was — to
this day, I think — that the one big thing she was missing was an
advocate. Somebody that could have spoken for her,
particularly when she was going through —
again, at her worst — to get help, to have somebody there
who could represent her.
And, on a personal note —
it’s already a personal note, but on a more personal
note —
my wife has gone through five physical surgeries now. So,
she’s fine mentally, but she has gone through a lot. And I’ve
been able to go with her. And it’s hard. It’s been interesting to
watch her talk to her surgeon or various physicians and what have
you. And, you know, be anxious, to be sort of struggling and to be
like, “well, you’re going to go into surgery and we’re going to
do some stuff.” And it’s been nice to — for the most part, keep
my mouth shut — but then to be able to go, “oh, you wanted to ask
about this.” Or, “can we talk about this?” To have somebody as
a third person —
and I love her —
but to have somebody as a third person being able to help
navigate the system. My mom had nothing. And, wow.
Loreen Pindera: To what extent, I want to hear from everybody else
too, but while we’re on this track, to what extent, Von, did you
play that role as advocate as a kid?
Von Allan: Not as much. I’d be lying if I said otherwise. And I
think it’s twofold. One, a lot of it is I was really young. And
then secondly, I think my mom really did try to shield me from it.
And that broke down as I got into my teenage years. So she got more
open as I got older about what she was going through, but I think her
ability to shield me from it also deteriorated. But it wasn’t like
I was going to into psychiatric wards with her, except to visit her.
And she had a psychiatrist that she was seeing. And I mean, I would
sometimes go with her and wait in the lobby, but that’s it. It
wasn’t like I was going into the room with my mom.
So really, at the end of the day, my mom —
she was still on her own. So I could help at home. I could
take some of the pressure off at home. I could clean. I could do
certain things. But it was still tough. And in some ways I wish I
could have done more. But I think the film —
it says it in the film pretty well. “At what point do you
stop living your life?” And I was 18 and 19 just at the very end.
My mom died when I was 20. So my life might have been very, very
different.
Loreen Pindera: I’m going to take the mic away from you and pass
it over to Marie and ask some of the same questions, from the context
of Quebec, about the resources that you could have used for Sarah
that maybe weren’t there to start with.
Marie Leavens: Well, I think we’ve been very blessed as a family
here because I have a big mouth, so I’m able to barge through
stuff. And I have learned very early that I had to, you know, when I
go to a doctor, it’s like, “yeah, she needs this, she needs
that.” But sometimes it’s very difficult. Sarah is finally going
to get help from the Jewish hospital for her anxiety disorder. They
refused to have her diagnosed, to diagnose her earlier. They refused
to try to diagnose her earlier. They just diagnosed her with ADHD.
She was too young, apparently, to be diagnosed for bipolar disorder.
Today we’re finally getting somewhere. We met with a
psycho-educator just this past week. It’s been four or five years
now that I’ve been trying to fight my way there. Especially since
2015 when my son died, it really hit hard on Sarah because he was
like her second dad. She’s been seeing a psychotherapist for two
years now, but she can only see her once a month because I can’t
afford more. And, you know, when she went to the CLSC for
counselling, first of all, it was all in French. Yes, I am French,
but my daughter is a lot more comfortable in English than in French.
And the psychotherapist refused to acknowledge her faith as something
to help her. So Sarah was feeling really bad about that because her
faith — as you’ve seen — she’s very connected with the
church, with the youth especially at the church. And it’s really
helping her. These kids have really been supporting her throughout
everything, although they don’t understand everything. But just the
fact that they’ve been praying for her, being there when she was
crying, you know, it’s really been tremendous for Sarah, that
network.
Loreen Pindera: I want to come back to that, Marie, and I’m not
forgetting about you, Rebecca. But, Megan, maybe you could talk about
why that was so critical to include in the film. Because the church
scene and… what were
you trying to show there?
Megan Durnford: Well, in fact, that was absolutely essential
because that is a huge part of Sarah’s story. Because I spent quite
a bit of time with Sarah and Marie and Andy. And I could see that
even though Sarah hadn’t really found a lot of help through the
social services yet. They were waiting and now, finally, success.
They had, well, a lot of really strong emotional bonds within the
family. But I could also see that the church was a very important
source of support for Sarah. So it was essential to include the scene
because that is part of what was helping Sarah deal with the
situation that she was in.
Loreen Pindera: There’s also her friendship with Helena. Helena,
is that…
Megan Durnford: Marlena.
Loreen Pindera: Marlena, sorry. Yes. And I guess it’s the same
thing in terms of community and friendship.
Megan Durnford: Right. And as she says in the film, she says that,
of course, obviously they’re teenagers. They have a lot of fun just
goofing off. But both of them can relate to each other on a very deep
and serious level about anxiety and other mental health issues. So I
could sense that right away and hopefully you can from the film that
they’re very tight.
Loreen Pindera: Von, maybe I could ask you the question about
friendships and whether, you know, how isolated were you as a kid?
Were there people you could talk to? What other resources did you
draw on to become so grounded as you are today?
Von Allan: [Laughter] Well, I don’t know about the last part,
but I did have a small collection of really good friends, some of
which I’m still friends with to this day.
But. I was pretty embarrassed about how I lived. I knew we
were poor and I knew our place was pretty crappy. And I was pretty
shy and —
I don’t know if I would use embarrassed, but it’s probably
the best word for it is —
talking when you’re 12 or 13 with other friends about my
mom’s situation was just a non-starter. So I didn’t do it. And I
can only look back and go, “yeah, I probably was more isolated than
I realized.” But at the same time, I don’t think one can
overstate the ability to just go hang out with friends and not
have to stress about this stuff and not have to think about
it. And that, I think, in hindsight, helped me far more than I ever
realized. You know, I was a geek so I like comics, I like sci-fi, and
I like role-playing games, and being able to go do that on a Saturday
afternoon or after school or something like that was probably far
healthier than I ever realized.
Loreen Pindera: Would it have been helpful if someone had said to
you, “there’s a group of other young people whose mothers are
schizophrenic, would you like to go talk?” Would you have even done
it?
Von Allan: I really don’t know about that. I really don’t. I
get asked this sometimes, “what if there was a great teacher? What
if…” When I did
the presentation at the junior high, at the end one of the
[sessions], teachers were like, “well, where do you suggest
somebody in your situation go?” And I’m like, “Kids
Help Phone? I don’t know!” This is not easy things to deal
with. And it really depends on the kid. It’s going to depend
very much on who you are rather than having the right… So yes,
obviously more things out there, more supports, more public supports,
more obvious supports, but different… there will be different
solutions or maybe no quote-unquote “solution” at all for kids.
And I don’t think, when I look back at how I was when I was 12 and
13, that I would have even been comfortable broaching the subject,
particularly to strangers, even if I knew they were going through
something similar to me.
Loreen Pindera: Okay. Did you want to say something, Megan? Yeah,
okay. I’ll pass that back to you again, Marie, just to talk about
does Sarah participate in such an organization? Would it be helpful
for her or…?
Marie Leavens: Well, like I said, Sarah has done the Anna workshop
and that has really been a big, big help. There she’s learned how
to relax when there’s a crisis in the house and how to cope with
it. But the other thing that Sarah’s had an advantage with is
because of our church, because of the co-op where she was going,
though the people there were like a big family. There’s no
judgment. There was nothing. So she was always able to speak freely.
It took a while because when she was very young, my husband was
very upset when I would talk about this. And one day I said, “listen,
Andy, I’m the kind of person I can’t keep things in. To cope with
it, I have to talk it over. I have to share with my friends. For them
to pray with me and try to understand what I’m going through. So if
you don’t let me speak about it, then I’m going to end up with
having a problem myself.” Finally he said, “okay.” And after
that, he found it freeing for himself to be able to talk about it.
Because everyone at our church —
we’ve been there since Sarah was born —
before Sarah was born. So we’re well-known and
well-grounded. And everybody knows about these issues. So whenever,
even if he’s at church and he flips, nobody is surprised. There’s
support. There’s a network. So because of that, Sarah knew she
could open up very early. So that’s always been, I think, a great
thing for her.
Loreen Pindera: I’m going to ask you to pass the mic over to
Rebecca now. And maybe I could get you to start by telling us —
it’s 14 years now since the book came out.
Rebecca Heinisch: Correct.
Loreen Pindera: Tell us what led you to write the book in the
first place.
Rebecca Heinisch: Well, there are two things. One of the things is
personal experience. Direct personal experience. I was raised
in a family where mental illness was present. In my case, it was my
mother who was suffering from mental illness and from a very young
age, from the time that I was born. And I can relate to many of the
things that Von said, that Sarah has said, that Jessie said also,
about having to live that situation, but in silence —
being isolated. In our family, it was never ever
addressed. Mental illness was not addressed, despite the fact that
there were many hospitalizations, many suicide attempts, and so on.
And just the fact that it was not addressed, that it was so taboo,
really impacted me. And I felt that there was nothing around —
being very isolated — there was nothing around to help. And so, I
just kind of had to, as Von said, keep my head down, push forward, go
on autopilot, and just move on and cope with the unpredictability,
the fact that everything is very unsettling. And as Sarah said, life
is like a roller coaster, very much like a roller coaster.
So, having lived the experience myself as a child and growing up
and becoming an adolescent and really having no one to speak with, I
realized that there needed to be resources for children to help them
understand, “well, what’s going on in my family? Why is my parent
acting like this? What can I do? And is it normal that I have all
these conflicting feelings? Is it normal that I want to help so much?
Is it normal that I feel angry?”
Also, I drew on experience as a teacher because I was working in
the elementary schools and it’s such a prevalent issue. It was not
rare in a class of maybe 20, 25 kids to find six of them or seven of
them who were living with a parent having mental illness. And I was
seeing these children in class being totally dysfunctional on the
social level, on the academic level, and yet they were totally
isolated, also. And this really shook me to the core. I could relate
to them, I felt for them, and I just felt — even as a teacher, we
didn’t have the tools, as a teacher. The schools didn’t have the
tools to help these children — and so I felt compelled and called
to write a book and help bring awareness to the fact that many, many
children are in this situation.
Loreen Pindera: So, “Anna and the Sea,” maybe you can tell us
why it’s called “Anna and the Sea.”
Rebecca Heinisch: Well, the protagonist’s name is Anna, and she
is a young girl. Her mother suffers from mental illness. And the
setting is in a village by the sea. And Anna finds comfort through
two different characters who come from the sea. A crab named Gustave
and a turtle named Tremender. And they are actually very therapeutic.
They’re like counsellors for Anna. And in meeting with these
characters she’s able to voice her questions and realize that her
feelings are normal. And also she receives several tips, help about
self-nurturing and also validation that it’s okay for her to want
to invest in her own life.
And this is an issue that’s very critical for children growing
up with a parent who’s mentally ill. Because to separate from your
parent brings on feelings of great guilt because you feel like you’re
abandoning them. So in the book she is given the permission through
this very important creature, the crab, given the permission to be a
child, to have her feelings and become and develop and become all
that she can be.
Loreen Pindera: So you have, it’s gone from a book to a resource
that’s being, we were discussing earlier, widely used. In fact, I
discovered in my web search today that they’re crazy about this
book in Australia! So maybe you can tell us the short version of how
it got where it is and how it’s being used today. How the book and
the resource workbook are being used.
Rebecca Heinisch: Well, I can just sum it up in one word. It’s
snowballed. And never in my wildest dreams did I ever think that it
would grow and become a resource and a non-profit organization. I
just wanted to start with a book, something that could help address
the issue. And there was a great response from the mental health
practitioners who began requesting, “well, the book is wonderful,
but do you have any educational activities? Can you go further? Is
there anything else out there?” And I thought, “well, maybe there
could be.”
So I took sabbatical leave from teaching and I began a pilot
project with some children and began creating activities —
educational activities —
and then presented them to practitioners and they felt it was
a worthwhile endeavour. And so we received funding from the Alcoa
Foundation to produce the first program, which is the Anna
Workshops. And we began promoting the workshops all throughout
Quebec. We’ve trained practitioners in 29 cities. But what we did
was we set up in Trois-Rivières the organization where we began
intervening and creating other programs, programs for adolescents,
and a very important program, which we set up quite early, which is
the Navigators. It’s a respite program.
Because —
Von, if I can just bounce off something that you said earlier,
if it’s okay with you —
you said the power of getting together with friends and just
hanging out and doing things, the power of getting together. So
through one of the programs we created, we allow the children to hang
out, but to do activities. We bring them horseback riding, fishing,
to museums, and these activities go on all throughout the year. And
this is a very, very important part of the resources that we offer,
because the kids need to get out of the house. And they need to get
out, they need to be together, and they need to have fun. It’s the
power of pleasure. And it’s a very long process for a child growing
up with someone who’s mentally ill to realize that they are allowed
to experience pleasure.
Loreen Pindera: Thank you very much. Marie, maybe you could talk a
little bit about Sarah’s experience with the program.
Marie Leavens: Yeah. Well, like I said, she’s learned to really
relax in crisis and that kind of stuff. But she also has done the
respites. And you know, like Von talked about poverty; because of my
husband’s mental illness, because he didn’t take care of himself,
now he’s physically ill, so I had to leave my full-time job, take
care of him full-time as well. So we live on welfare. Because when
you have a husband who’s bipolar, you don’t have a lot of
savings. It’s almost a taboo word in our home.
So, because of that, we could never offer Sarah activities like
that. And through Alpabem —
which is similar to AMI-Quebec
in Laval, where we live —
Sarah’s been able to do climbing. She’s been able to go to
some museums, all kinds of activities like that. Some workshops, like
bead workshops. And she would come home beaming. Because, you
know, it was something that she could never have dreamed. And for
that little bit of time, she was a kid. We talked about relationship
earlier. And that’s one thing for Sarah that’s always been very
difficult. She never had friends around our home. The few times she
had friends, she was bullied. She was not… She was never happy
there. So that’s why we kept in contact with the youth church,
because there she was never judged. Same with the homeschool co-op.
Those are the place where those were her havens. But having this time
where she could just do something very special. Something that she
could come back to co-op to her friends at church. “Guess what I
did this week? I went rock climbing!” And, you know, she could hear
the others talk about that. But she could never even dream of it. So
for her, that was really big.
Loreen Pindera: I think we have to wrap up quite soon. But I want
to touch on a couple of other things. Von, just having heard what you
heard there. I know we’re talking a quarter of a century later, but
do you think some of those resources would have made a difference?
Von Allan: Maybe. It would have been helpful to know that
something like that was out there. I think that’s probably about as
far as I could go with it, because I have no idea. I mean, I was… I
cannot over-emphasize how shy I was as a kid. And a lot of things
changed as I got older. But I was really, really introverted when I
was young. To feel safe in an environment where you could actually
open up? That’s tough. But to be able to get away from it and to be
able to just not even have to think about it and do other things.
That was huge. And because we didn’t have a lot of money, one nice
thing —
it’s changed a little bit now, but particularly then —
was comics were cheap. Role-playing games were pretty cheap.
And because of the nature of the game itself, you could just play it
basically forever. You don’t need a lot of stuff aside from paper
and pencils and dice. So we could tell stories. We could do goofy
things. And that —
particularly for low income [families] —
that really —
more so than I probably ever realized —
really helped me through. And libraries helped and stuff like
that too.
Loreen Pindera: I want to… when we first met this evening, I
said to you, “wow, it’s so interesting that all three of the
protagonists in this film are such creative people.” Do you play
the guitar too, by the way?
Von Allan: No! Not a musical bone in my body!
Loreen Pindera: And you said to me, “and there’s the dog
theme,” which I didn’t notice until the third time. But maybe you
might… you clearly feel great affection for your dog, or you
wouldn’t carry him around. Maybe you could just talk about that —
and maybe Megan wants to talk about it, too —
but how the… and I’ll see if you want to say something
about that too Marie, but I think it was worth touching on because
clearly the dog was important and is important in everybody’s
lives.
Von Allan: Dogs are amazing. I’m a huge believer in cats and
dogs. I’ve had multiple in my life. And they are always in
the moment, they are… there’s unrequited love. They are who they
are, and they are amazing characters. Corbin,
my dog, still my dog now, is a rescue
husky from Iqaluit who does not like to walk. [Megan]
didn’t believe me, and was like “no, let’s get some shots of
you walking your dog in the film.” And I was like, “this is not
going to go well.” And it didn’t. He walked for a bit, and then —
he just he does not love leaving the house.
And it’s also been interesting to watch a dog who has also gone
through some trauma. He is a perfectly happy, healthy dog, but he
doesn’t like leaving the house at all. So, yeah, dogs. Amazing!
Loreen Pindera: I wonder if your choice of a dog who’s gone
through trauma has something to do with your childhood. I’m not
going too far here.
Von Allan: I like rescues, so it was probably more dumb luck. Our
previous husky who died, Rowen,
she was also a rescue, but was much more of what you think of as a
husky, which is “you point them in a direction and you walk
forever.” That dog would walk all over the place. So we’ll never
know exactly what Corbin’s mix is.
He’s a husky mix of some sort, but he bonded to us. He bonded to
his home, and that’s magic for him.
Loreen Pindera: I think that I’ve gone through my question list
here, and it’s probably… you probably have your own, and I think
we’ll have a little time afterwards to have one-on-one
conversations. Is there anything else that anyone would like to say
before I wrap? That perhaps I haven’t… go ahead.
Marie Leavens: Yeah. You’re talking about the dog. In our home,
Drake is called the “Dog-ter.” Because he really, really, really
helps my husband. It’s amazing, amazing how much he points us like
a lot. My husband, like when you heard me scream at some point and
the thing went black, my husband hadn’t died. It looked like
that when you look at the movie. But he has those fainting spells.
Well, they’re not really fainting spells. It’s like narcolepsy.
He falls asleep on his feet, but it’s due to another side of his
mental illness. When anxiety goes high, he starts passing out. And
that was at the beginning where we weren’t quite sure what was
going on. Now we know a little bit more. And the dog could tell us up
to 10 minutes, 15 minutes sometimes, ahead of time, that he was going
to have a spell. It’s pretty amazing.
Loreen Pindera: A last word to you, Rebecca. Is there anything
you’d like to add?
Rebecca Heinisch: I would just like to say that this film, this
documentary, is so powerful. And I’m just so grateful and
thankful that you’ve made this documentary, Megan.
Von Allan: Yeah.
Loreen Pindera: Yes. Megan, maybe you could just tell us what life
the film has now? Where does it go from here?
Megan Durnford: I don’t necessarily know the answer to that.
We’re waiting to hear back from… Well, there’s a conference in
Oslo in May that is considering it. There’s various film festivals.
There’s plenty of community screenings. Actually, apparently in
October it will be screened in Australia, the community screening.
So, it’s just getting going.
Loreen Pindera: Oh, is it going to be translated? There you go.
Megan Durnford: There is a French version.
Loreen Pindera: And I think you all know that you can find it on
CBC
online. If anybody doesn’t know how to find it, I think
actually all you have to do is look up cbc.ca
and the name of the film and you’ll come straight to it. It’s
very easy to find and it’s going to stay online for some time… I
think forever, for a long time.
Ella Amir: So thank you very much, everyone. Thank you very much.
I feel it was really a powerful and remarkable documentary. And I
know that it will have… I’m sure that it will have life of its
own, not only in Australia and New Zealand, but also here, because we
really do hope that it will help us to put young carers on the map
and this is certainly a good step forward. So thank you very much,
and thank you very much, and see you next year.
I Am Still Your Child, the documentary on parental mental illness, will have its national broadcast premiere on Saturday, March 31st on CBC television! It's at 1:00 PM Eastern Daylight Time. I'm really excited it to see it broadcast this way!
The following statement was sent to the City of Ottawa's Councillors in regards to the proposed Salvation Army's new shelter to be built here in the Vanier community.
To whom it may concern,
My mother was diagnosed with schizophrenia when I was a pre-teen. She
was a single mom and we often found ourselves in pretty tough
situations. We were also on welfare, facing both financial
difficulties as well as my mom’s struggle with mental illness.
I was born in Arnprior but my mom and I relocated to Ottawa when I
was 8 years old. I’ve grown up in this city and I’ve been
a resident of the downtown core most of my life. I should add that my
wife and I bought a home in Vanier in 2010. So I’m not just a
resident of Ottawa and I’m not just a taxpayer; I’m also
a home owner not that far away from where the Salvation Army proposes
to build their new shelter on Montreal Road.
Relevant to this email is the fact that I’m also in a
documentary film that focuses on the children of mentally ill
parents. Titled “I Am Still Your Child,” the film just
started streaming on CBC and will air nationally across CBC
Television in January. If you’d like, you can watch the film at
the following link:
http://watch.cbc.ca/absolutely-canadian/-/i-am-still-your-child/38e815a-00cec9fd824.
In conjunction with the film, a number of video shorts were recently
released. One of them deals with the financial impact of mental
illness. It’s on the film’s Youtube page at
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GwaYwp3MbqQ.
When I reflect on my childhood, the reality of my mom’s health
and financial situation, and the proposed Salvation Army shelter, I’m
struck by the fact that my mom, being a woman, would have found no
help there. And she, being a mom, would not have been able to get
help for her family, either. Yes, I’m well aware that there are
other shelters in the city that can and do help. At the end of the
day, however, a new shelter will be constructed that will
discriminate based on gender. That is unconscionable in 2017. And it
is a sad, sad statement that if I was a child today, living in the
same circumstances that I grew up in, my mom would not be able to
turn to a brand new state of the art facility for help when she would
have needed it most.
I should add that my mom did not win her struggles with either
schizophrenia or poverty. She died in 1994, at the age of 48.
I would strongly urge you to pause and reflect on what a new shelter
could and should be. A shelter featuring gender equality and one free
of religious dogma. If it was both of those things, even if the
location and the size were the same, I would support it. Because my
mom might have needed it. And we know that other girls and women of
all-ages and sexual orientations will need it. Desperately.
The proposed shelter by the Salvation Army is not the solution. It’s
no solution at all. I urge you to vote against it.
Addendum
What I didn't add, though I was tempted, was the lyrics to Joe Hill's 1911 song The Preacher and the Slave:
Well, this is pretty neat! Reporter Blair Crawford along with photographer Julie Oliver from the Ottawa Citizen did a feature story on yours truly. The story explores my childhood, my mom's struggle with mental illness (specifically schizophrenia), my graphic novel the road to god knows..., and the documentary film I'm involved in titled I AM STILL YOUR CHILD.
I should add that the online article also contains a short two minute video interview with me. Plus the great and mysterious Corbin makes a surprise guest appearance! I've embedded the video below:
Scans from the Ottawa Citizen are below:
And the interior page (the scan is a bit hard to read, but the full article can be found online here):
Update!
As it turns out, the Citizen's sister paper the Ottawa Sun also ran a story. This is pretty much the same thing, though there are a few minor differences. I'm not crazy about the headline, but pretty neat all the same.
As I noted previously, the filmmakers behind the documentary I AM STILL YOUR CHILD have released a number of short supporting videos, including the one embedded below. The entire series can be viewed on their Youtube site and add up to over 30 minutes of bonus content. While the documentary is only available for streaming inside Canada right now, the short videos should be watchable anywhere in the world.
In this short, the three subjects of the film (Sarah, Jessy, and myself) all talk about the repercussions of living with a parent who has a mental illness.
In conjunction with the documentary I AM STILL YOUR CHILD, the filmmakers have released a number of short supporting videos. The entire series can be viewed on their Youtube site and add up to over 30 minutes of bonus content. While the documentary is only available for streaming inside Canada right now, the short videos should be watchable anywhere in the world.
I embedded one of these shorts below. Titled "Maintaining a Relationship with the Ill Parent," it showcases all three subjects of the film. For my part, I talk about my mom and her sensitivity and compassion. And, as a special bonus, Corbin makes an appearance!
Continuing the series of background "process" art for the poster series for the documentary film "I AM STILL YOUR CHILD." Today's poster features a young girl handling her father's medication. I knew clarity would be a problem, so I decided to go with a low "eye level" or horizon line. In this case, right at the ground plane. Why? It allowed me to put the medicine bottle strongly in the foreground and hopefully clarify what's actually happening. It also allowed me to make the young girl slightly bigger (closer to the viewer) than a more normal eye level would allow.
In discussing it with Stéphanie Couillard, my contact at Catbird, we decided that it still might not be clear enough so we added dialogue for the father just to be safe. There are no "right" answers with this; sometimes you want to be subtle and suggestive and other times you want to be crystal clear. In this case, clarity was one of the most important criteria.
Again, here is the Final Press Version with logo designed by Sara Morley of Design Postimage:
Initial Rough Layout sketch (approximately 2 inches in height). You can also see that I was initially thinking of making it daughter and mother:
Slightly tighter but still very loose figures. And again, illustrated pretty small:
A tighter rough, though still very small. The father was giving me some drawing problems at this stage, though it works itself out soon enough:
Tighter pencils:
Tighter pencils along with perspective grid and background:
As noted yesterday, I was commissioned to create a series of posters for the documentary film "I AM STILL YOUR CHILD." Today I'm looking at the development of another poster for the film and the support website. This one is a good example of how the process develops from rough concept to final version.
My initial thinking was that I wanted contrast between a very upset girl in the foreground and an adult, possibly in trouble, who isn't even paying attention. Initially I thought she'd be starring at the girl, but not really seeing her. Later, I changed my mind and had the adult sitting with her back turned. As the process continued and I received feedback from Stéphanie Couillard, my main contact for the poster series for Catbird Productions, the poster evolved. You can see that in the following sketches and I think the piece is much stronger based on Stéphanie's comment.
Again, here is the Final Press Version with that great logo designed by Sara Morley of Design Postimage:
Initial Rough Layout sketch (as always, this is done very small, approximately 2 inches in height):
Slightly tighter but still very loose figures. And again, illustrated pretty small. You can also see that the foreground character is slightly off-balance here. It happens, but it's the kind of thing I correct as I go:
Tighter pencils:
Tighter pencils with that original concept of a "neutral" adult in the background:
This is where a number of things changed. A very different adult figure appears. She was roughed out and tightened separately and then digitally added into the piece. And the background finally shows up, too. Little bit of cheating here, but you can't tell. I hope!
I've been fortunate enough to be involved in a documentary project focusing on the children of parents with mental illness (COPMI). It's a pretty amazing project and I've been thrilled to be involved. Megan Durnford, the writer and director, Katarina Soukup, the producer from Catbird Productions, Stéphanie Couillard, Alex Margineanu (cinematographer), Stéphane Barsalou (sound recorder), and the rest of the crew have brought an empathy to the film that is quite remarkable. There are still a lot of societal taboos regarding mental illness and I think this film might help challenge that.
So why did they get in touch with me? Well, my mom was diagnosed schizophrenic when I was quite young. I actually wrote and drew a graphic novel titled the road to god knows... that is an account (albeit fictionalized) of my experiences with my mom's mental illness and my growing awareness that she was not "okay." I didn't go the full autobiographical route for a number of reasons, but one of the main one's is that my mom died before I even started the comic and I wanted some emotional distance from the work and my own life.
The documentary uses quite a bit of my art through it, but I should note that I actually re-drew a number of pages specifically for the film (I'm going to do a follow-up post specifically on this subject in the near future).
The film will be airing on CBC Montreal through the documentary series Absolutely Quebec on Saturday, September 16th. It will have a wider release shortly after that. I'll update the website as I know more.
In the meantime, the trailer linked above really captures the tone of it very well. I think it's beautiful. For more on the film, keep an eye on the Facebook page and the official website.
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